Monday, November 9, 2009

Enemies of the Sun - 'The Heartless EP'

I try not to get too self-righteous about typos, for two reasons: 1) Grammar Nazis suck and B) Everyone makes mistakes. Example: I recently submitted a review to the Org where I got the band’s name wrong… every time. Go on, count the errors. What’s more, the band e-mailed me to gently correct my mistake, which just made me feel like that much more of an asshole. Point is, everybody takes turns fucking up. So it is with full self-awareness of my hypocrisy that I need to roast metal act Enemies of the Sun for a glaring error on The Heartless EP.

The track listing on the back cover is done with Roman numerals. Star Wars fans/apologists know that I means 1, II means 2, etc. Things get iffy on track four, “Between Me and the Heartless,” which is listed as IX, which actually translates to nine. Now, I know they meant IV. It’s not a big deal, and given that I kind of hate the EP, which sounds like Def Leopard trying to be hip “for the kids” by covering Stone Temple Pilots, complaining about it seems extraneous and mean. So I said to myself, “Hey, man. Chill out. Now be a good Opinionated Internet User and read the press release for research…”

Son of a female dog, these guys are from Milan, Italy! How do you mess up numbers invented in your own damn country? Furthermore, how do you think Def Leopard is awesome? Have you heard Hysteria? It sucks so hard.

OK, let’s talk tunes. The Heartless EP is bad. Listeners get four songs/15 minutes worth of metal leaning toward the glam side of lame. Fans of Motley Crue’s Dr. Feelgood and Velvet Revolver’s Contraband might get a kick out of it, but the rest of the world’s inhabitants can go on with their lives. Oddly enough, the final track – the aforementioned offender “Between Me and the Heartless” – has more of an appealing White Zombie vibe, though it’s almost as ho-hum as the preceding tracks. Overall, the EP makes me want to make up derogatory puns of the band’s name, like Enemies of the Bum or Enemies of the Fun or Enemies of the Songs That Are Good.

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